After a conversation with a friend this evening, I was reminded of a moment of realization last night. It wasn’t the first time this realization has hit me, nor will it be the last time (sadly). I was sitting outside underneath a huge, starry sky. The moment of realization came when I noticed that I was simultaneously being awed by God’s unbelievably beautiful creation AND feeling slightly discontented about a thing or two in my life that was not exactly how I envisioned it should be. So, in the same moment I was thinking: “God, wow! Your work is perfect!” and “God, I want you to do (this) a different way in my life.” All in a moment it hit me that I was glorifying God for the perfection of His order and divine will, and then giving Him directions on how He ought to do things in my life based on my wants.
This was the revelation, simply:
I know God’s will is best…but right now I would rather have what I WANT, regardless of whether or not it is God’s will.
There are so many times that my heart, being sinful as it is, sees and knows that God is good, but would rather do its own thing all the same. Sometimes I want what may not be best. Sometimes I yearn for what may be contrary to God’s desire for me. Sometimes I am occupied with things that are less than God, simply because the force of my desire overcomes my love for God and His good plan.
There are things that I want in life. There are things I yearn for; things that I think are right, good, and even best for me…but I am not the one who built the universe atom by atom. I am not the one whose name is proclaimed by every star in the sky and every inch of creation. I am not the one who sees the beginning and end of all things. I certainly am not the one who ordains and empowers all things. And yet it is a struggle for me to release the desires that sometimes occupy my mind in order to trust the plan of the One who does all things well.
My mind knows that God is the one whose plan will be supremely good…and yet still my heart rebels and says, “No, THIS is what I want. THIS is the best thing because I WANT it.”
“God, save me! Help me desire better things. Or better yet, help me desire the best things! Shake my wants so that the earthly dust falls away and only heaven remains. Remove from me the clutchings of temporary, selfish desires. I want my wants to honor you. I want to desire what you desire. Father, help me want well.”